There's no place like home, there's no place like... ecchhh. Day One, pt 2

DAY ONE CONTINUED...So we got into the apartment - which Janice had already started attacking with the vigor of those two mad english ladies on TLC... and we were kind of... skeeved out.

I had only been in there once for a short period, but Rich and his parents had had time on another visit to get in and measure. But during both visits the apartment was still inhabited and her furniture was all over the apartment. And she had done a very nice job with the apartment and it looked really quite nice.

DAMN HER AND HER CAMOUFLAGING WAYS!!

It was not pretty. The carpet had some gooey stains which she had adeptly covered with furniture and throw rugs... the decor had distracted from the fact that the paint was really peeling in a lot of places... the windows were really rusted out, and the glass cracked in places... the dark green wall color which went really well with her decor just made the place seem like a cave. The kitchen - which we knew was...nonexistent... still didn't help to raise our spirits. And by nonexistent - I jest not. We are the only people in history to move AWAY from Manhattan and get a SMALLER KITCHEN!! Feast your eyes kids -

the ENTIRE kitchen (which sits, I might ad, in the middle of the living room.

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And then there was the bathroom.

Well - the bathroom is so small, kids, that I can't SHOW you a picture of it because there is no way to get enough of it in the frame because it's so tiny. It's really the size of your average new york studio apartment's CLOSET. No joke. The floor is spongy and squeeks so much when you walk on it that Po thinks we're playing with one of her dog toys. The tiny, tiny, tiny shower stall is not fitted to the walls - but kind of floats inches away from it so when you raise your elbows to wash your hair it makes that old-fashioned-victorian-lightning machine-with a sheet of metal-noise. The shower stall has been PAINTED with white emulsion paint (we assume to cover rust, blood, plague or all three)...and the drain doesn't really drain. So after five minutes it's like your feet are in a kiddie pool. There is no vanity and no room to get one in there... the toilet SLANTS because the floor is warped. And there was one of those squishy toilet seats which Janice declared a Code Orange state of Emergency immediately.

So Rich and I had to regroup... It was tough because we had really assumed that our living space wasn't going to need that much work. We had planned (and made all the arrangements) to put in a new kitchen... but the apartment really needed a more attention for it to be somewhere that we would be happy. And, the reality is, we are going to be KILLING ourselves working hard every single day doing really tough work - and we need somewhere we can come home and be comfortable - not dread.

So - we have to spend about three weeks on the apartment. We're really lucky cuz Rich's dad put a whole extension on their family home... so we have a free consultant... and we just have to bite the bullet and do it. I know that I can be a little persnickity - but when Rich said to me yesterday that he might start going to the local health club to shower in the morning because he hates the bathroom so much... I knew it was bad.

The question was WHAT to do about the bathroom. it's right at the top of a flight of stairs - there is solid brick right behind it (which, knocked through, would lead into the mezzanine of the theatre) - it's only six feet wide and three feet deep. We sat there staring at it with a measuring tape and looking at tub measurements online just shaking our heads in despair. We'd figure it out another day...

So - Janice continued to clean the (unbeknownst to the human eye VERY dirty carpet) with the Green Machine and we headed to the DMV...

OOOOoooo.... Product placement: Bissell Green Machine: 14251-l.gif Ok - if in the process of this grand adventure I come across stuff I'm nutty about... I'll share. This thing is is not only the cat's pajamas... it will clean up the mess when the cat pees ON your pajamas. Well - at least it did a good job when Po had an accident on Grandma's carpet. The scary thing is you can SEE how well it works because of the terrifying grime that ends up in the receptacle when it sucks back up the cleaning solution. The carpet in the apartment produced liquid that looks like something between Starbucks best and the Swamp Things saliva. Gross. But - I'm grateful to this little gadget cuz, frankly, better out of my carpet than in.